Under your Trees I Forget about Me

Swan Pond - Julie Doiron

Being alone is a conflicting idea to me. I've never felt any problem with it; at least not for short periods of time. Indeed, I very much enjoy being alone at home for days and days. I feel like I can be creative and have control over my life. It gives me a sense of space, and honestly, if I were to move out any time soon, I'd live on my own, because the idea of others being in my space, my cocoon, bothers me. 

The idea of solitude makes me feel safe. There is no judgment from the world. I can do what I want. I can lie down on the floor and just stare at the ceiling. Or even better, I can pretend to be a Noh actress walking around each room and dancing. I can also just be totally lazy once and a while without feeling guilty. Basically, being alone gives me the right to totally weird out and do what I want.

As much as I like my solo time, there are still cons to it. I mean there's a reason why solitude and loneliness are often synonyms. In fact, I like to think of myself as being part loner and part social butterfly. I love being on my own, but I also don't like being totally confronted with myself. There are parts of me that still scare me, and staying isolated from others sheds light into corners I don't want to see. I think a lot of people feel that way though. That's why I think it's healthy to see others. It makes me feel stimulated and good about myself. I also have the opportunity to laugh and talk about anything I want. It's very exciting and sometimes makes it hard for me to want to be alone.

All in all, being alone remains a world of duality. On one hand, I feel free, but on another level, it gives me too much time to pick on old scabs. I guess what's important is to create a balance between the two. I can easily spend three days alone, but after I do enjoy the company of my dear friends. 

Bernini's Caricature of Pope Innocent XI