Ending Self Hatred

The last few years haven't been the brightest for me. Now, that I feel more confident though, I can say those years helped me to discover more about myself and others. Throughout the time I was filling low, I felt a lot of self hatred, but I never knew where this profound hatred came from. Part of it was probably due to biological reasons, but now that I think about it, there was definitely a part of it that was due to our society's ideas.

In fact, I can assure a lot of this negative energy fueled in girls and women are a result of our patriarchal system. As the Nigerian author, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, says so well in Beyoncé song Flawless: "You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you will threaten the man." I think this quote is very important to reflect upon because women are asked to follow many contradictory ideas. We encourage women to aim high in life, but not high enough to take away a guy's power. I feel as if I can never truly be proud of my accomplishments because I'd be seen as a bragging b*tch. On the other hand, a guy is often encouraged to show off their success. This to me is irreverent.

It also comes back in a lot of other aspects of life too; for example: women's sexuality. We are not in a position to do as we please with our bodies. The media only shows a women's sexuality that is there to accommodate the male viewer. This also explains why women are often seen only for their appearance and not their opinion. A good example of this idea is presented in the movie Miss Representation, where Jennifer Siebel shows that the media talks more about how Hillary Clinton looked old and tired in her last campaigns instead of actually talking about what she had done and was planning to do. Basically, women are considered as "equal" in the constitution because it would be politically incorrect not too, but women are still behind men.

This might sound a little "extreme" to some, but this was a very important revelation to me, because girls are not taught to take themselves seriously. They aspire to become big shots, but only a hand full of women actually make it to the top. Does that sound like equality to you? No. After I realized that, another question came into mind. What is actually stopping women from doing what they want?

I did a lot of research, and many writings came to the same conclusion: we teach girls and women to care about their appearance waaaay too much. They have to be skinny, but if they're too skinny, they're "anorexic". They have to have a big bottom and big boobs, but not too big or else they're fat. I mean isn't that a contradiction in itself. They have to be promiscuous, but not too much or else they're sluts. "You have to have ambition, but not too much". The quote sums it up pretty well. Girls are basically taught to focus on their physic instead of their leadership.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, source: The Guardian

This causes a big problem because these contradictions make women obsessed over a beauty standard they will never obtain anyways. In our society, women are like hamsters running in a wheel while the men take the lead. No wonder there is so much self hatred among women. I was always told to not open up my mouth too much, but I am sick of standing in front of my mirror thinking about how I can make myself look prettier or how to lose more weight. I am sick of having to constantly put myself down. Yes, I do think I'm pretty and smart, and I am proud of that. Why should I be ashamed of that? Why should I be ashamed to be confident? Wasn't that what I was told to be anyways? Oh, right! Confident, but not too confident, they said.

From all this reflection, I've made a resolution promising myself that I would end all my self hatred. I have worked hard to become the woman I am today and I don't see why I should be putting myself down. I do not want my body and thoughts to be controlled by anybody but me, and I think this should be true for everyone, men included. I also believe we do not leave enough space for girls to grow. Therefore, I encourage everyone to teach girls and women to be leaders and not some hamster running around in circles.