Ending Self Hatred

The last few years haven't been the brightest for me. Now, that I feel more confident though, I can say those years helped me to discover more about myself and others. Throughout the time I was filling low, I felt a lot of self hatred, but I never knew where this profound hatred came from. Part of it was probably due to biological reasons, but now that I think about it, there was definitely a part of it that was due to our society's ideas.

In fact, I can assure a lot of this negative energy fueled in girls and women are a result of our patriarchal system. As the Nigerian author, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, says so well in Beyoncé song Flawless: "You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you will threaten the man." I think this quote is very important to reflect upon because women are asked to follow many contradictory ideas. We encourage women to aim high in life, but not high enough to take away a guy's power. I feel as if I can never truly be proud of my accomplishments because I'd be seen as a bragging b*tch. On the other hand, a guy is often encouraged to show off their success. This to me is irreverent.

It also comes back in a lot of other aspects of life too; for example: women's sexuality. We are not in a position to do as we please with our bodies. The media only shows a women's sexuality that is there to accommodate the male viewer. This also explains why women are often seen only for their appearance and not their opinion. A good example of this idea is presented in the movie Miss Representation, where Jennifer Siebel shows that the media talks more about how Hillary Clinton looked old and tired in her last campaigns instead of actually talking about what she had done and was planning to do. Basically, women are considered as "equal" in the constitution because it would be politically incorrect not too, but women are still behind men.

This might sound a little "extreme" to some, but this was a very important revelation to me, because girls are not taught to take themselves seriously. They aspire to become big shots, but only a hand full of women actually make it to the top. Does that sound like equality to you? No. After I realized that, another question came into mind. What is actually stopping women from doing what they want?

I did a lot of research, and many writings came to the same conclusion: we teach girls and women to care about their appearance waaaay too much. They have to be skinny, but if they're too skinny, they're "anorexic". They have to have a big bottom and big boobs, but not too big or else they're fat. I mean isn't that a contradiction in itself. They have to be promiscuous, but not too much or else they're sluts. "You have to have ambition, but not too much". The quote sums it up pretty well. Girls are basically taught to focus on their physic instead of their leadership.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, source: The Guardian

This causes a big problem because these contradictions make women obsessed over a beauty standard they will never obtain anyways. In our society, women are like hamsters running in a wheel while the men take the lead. No wonder there is so much self hatred among women. I was always told to not open up my mouth too much, but I am sick of standing in front of my mirror thinking about how I can make myself look prettier or how to lose more weight. I am sick of having to constantly put myself down. Yes, I do think I'm pretty and smart, and I am proud of that. Why should I be ashamed of that? Why should I be ashamed to be confident? Wasn't that what I was told to be anyways? Oh, right! Confident, but not too confident, they said.

From all this reflection, I've made a resolution promising myself that I would end all my self hatred. I have worked hard to become the woman I am today and I don't see why I should be putting myself down. I do not want my body and thoughts to be controlled by anybody but me, and I think this should be true for everyone, men included. I also believe we do not leave enough space for girls to grow. Therefore, I encourage everyone to teach girls and women to be leaders and not some hamster running around in circles.

When I Feel Alive

Scenic World - Beirut

(Warning: Lower the volume!)

Fall often means the end of summer to a lot of people, but to me it means that the trees are going to do their dance of colors and apples will grow. In kindergarden, they would bring me apple picking. It was so much fun it made me want to do it every year. It's just so nice to go out for a day with your family or friends and pick these beautiful fruit. You get to eat them as you go or you can decide you want to fill your bag up as much as possible.

This year, I didn't have anyone to go with, so I posted a status on Facebook asking who would have the kindness of driving me to an orchard and letting me run around. I was so happy to see I wasn't the only one that wanted to. I organized the ride with one of my friends and we went with his family and our friends. I'm sure glad I went! I'm not a traditional girl but I like my traditions!

It's good to absorb as much sunshine as possible before the long nights come. By the end of November, I'm already feeling heavy-hearted, so this last glimpse of sunshine is what I need to push me to be cheerful. Dance has also helped me a lot with that. I might start a class feeling unhappy, but by the end of it, I will be full of joy. It's like a dose of happiness medicine. Same with the apples! I mean there must be a reason why the saying says: "an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Snap out of It

Snap Out of It - Arctic Monkeys

Well, you might of thought that I wasn't going to do any fashion posts because I'm "over it", but it's not the case. I still enjoy dressing up and I always will. It's a great way of externalizing my creativity and ultimately, having fun. Lately, I find it hard to be original though because I'm at a college where everyone dresses similarly to me, which is kind of cool too, but I like to stand out, I won't deny it. Anyways, I hope everybody's having a nice day!

End of an Era

Anywhere on this Road - Lhasa

(Mile-End singer that died in 2010)

Yesterday, I was taking the bus to go meet up with a friend. As I was gazing out the window watching all the same old buildings run before my eyes, I noticed one that had disappeared, or at least partly disappeared. It was this old warehouse that had probably been abandoned for several decades and it had just been destroyed by big construction machinery. People always went there and painted graffiti all over the place. Not particularly interesting ones, but enough to make the place look cool.

I climbed up to the roof once with two of my friends. It was the only time I had dared to go, because I had been intimidated by all the fences around the place. Anyways, it was a nice winter evening and we climbed up the icy stairs and walked around as if we were looking for something unknown. The light was shining through the building in such a way that all the graffiti looked way better then they were, and the sunlight reflected on the puddles and ice on the concrete floors which gave the place this dream like feeling. We ended up going to the roof to watch the sunset and that was it. It was a pleasant experience. Now, it will only be a source of nostalgia.

The only reason I'm making a big deal about this building is because it seemed to me like one of the only old authentic place left in that area. It was in the Mile End. The neighborhood I was raised in. It's a nice area of Montreal, but it sure has changed since my childhood. Sure, I probably don't remember everything because I was about 3 or 4 years old when we moved there, but I can recall enough to say that I can hardly recognize the place now.

My dad always loved to go to cafes with me as a kid. So we'd walk around the neighborhood going from one cafe to the next. A lot of the store fronts at that time we're kind of grungy. Most people living around there were pretty poor and moved there because of the low rent. Just to show the level of grunginess, the ground floor to the house next door was totally abandoned and in ruins, but someone was still living upstairs. It was a very bizarre setting. Most of the neighborhood was bizarre but I liked it like that. All the artists were there and it was kind of cool.

With time, people started being interested in this "bohemian" life style. They bought all the shitty apartments for cheap and kicked out the artists. It has now become a gentrified trendy hot spot in Montreal. The Place to go! I mean, yes it's fun, but the authenticity was lost along the way. I guess it left right when the creative people left. Not that there aren't any there anymore, but it's definitely not the same. To me, that old building was part of the essence of that old Mile End I had none many years ago. It is truly weird to see how much certain things change with time.

Sources: The Link , Spacing Montreal

I Go Solo

It might seem kind of ironic to begin a blog by exploring the idea of endings, but truthfully, it makes lots of sense. Here me out and you might understand.

In the last few months, many things have happened. I finished High School. I realized I will no longer be a legal child anymore soon (I say "legal" here because I will always be young at heart). I just came out of a rough patch in my life. And if all of that isn't enough, I just went through a breakup. I mean, if those are not endings for you, I don't know what is.

Anyways, as all of these endings occurred and that I was feeling a certain despair about them, I realized that closure leads to new beginnings. And that folks, is exactly where I am in my life right now. I am start things new and I thought it was the perfect opportunity to learn as much as possible about myself and the things around me. 

On another note, I still think it's important to have a certain period of mourning. I mean, thank god I'm not in High School anymore! But I also think it's sad that I will never live the Mean Girls experience again. And that I'm only going to have more and more responsibilities-which isn't always bad either. Therefore, I think I will analyze the duality of this theme throughout the month. 

I'd like to start off with a playlist that sets my overall emotional state at the moment.

The End from Imogen.Andersen on 8tracks Radio.